Jackie Stewart


Top 10 final resting places at Hollywood Forever Cemetery

1.
Rudolph Valentino/Barbara La Marr


2.
Vampira


3.
Dee Dee Ramone/Johnny Ramone


4.
Holly Woodlawn


5.
Perry Lopez/John Huston



6.
Christopher Jones


7.
C B De Mille


8.
Peter Lorre


9.
Paul Marco/Kathy Wood


10.
Peter Finch


Jackie Stewart does not drive. She lives in a pink house in Portland, Oregon, USSA.
She has been playing experimental music since August 1979. She has been a member of Smegma since 1982. She started “The Tenses” with Ju Suk Reet Meate in 2007. .


Ali Robertson


Ten endings of movies that naebody on this Earth has time enough to sit through so I’ve sat through them on your behalf. (For Ess Aitch primarily, but for everyone ultimately.)

1.
Turns out that Besson never banked on being bled out and said bank getting broken. Tough times for the kid what Lukes like Younger, he might be in the red too, but the lady with the brows has nae cash flow problems as her plasma flows blue and, sadly, this colour doesnae run (dry).

2.
Turns out that d'movie is xenophobic and that they really dinnae ken their audience. (In an unfilmed & unscripted post-credits scene: every racist on The Blighted Isle, and a few other folk too, vote for Brexit.)

3.
Turns out that a gorilla could take a crocodile in a square go.

4.
Turns out that it's a permakitten and that one of those guys was probably holding the camera the wrong way.


5.
Turns out that dad jacks it in but his bairn agrees to take over the family business.


6.
Turns out that if you act like a pig long enough then you'll turn into one. That or a tech bro.


7.
Turns out that the U.S. president is a violent white bigot.


8.
Turns out that you can still say "FUCK THE QUEEN" on the big screen as long as you're paraphrasing and it's a children's film.


9.
Turns out that Bruce Willis is a patron of the same conveniences and that the director wants some o' that Marvel money.


10.
Turns out that the rest of us slept through the party.


(Apologies to Ess Aitch who has already endured movie #2.)

Ali Robertson has been making himself & others blush as the Giant Tank Institute For Low-Brow Avant-Thought’s resident organiser/improviser for more than two decades. He continues to court public shame alongside Malcy Duff in the duo Usurper while sporadically pleading for redemption via the Sonic Bothy ensemble.

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